Return to Archive Topical Index


FORGIVE
AND
FORGET
 Outline is developed from the book, Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve, by Lewis B. Smedes; Harper and Row, 1984.


PART 1 -
THE FOUR STAGES OF FORGIVING


  1. We Hurt.
    1. Personal Pain.
    2. Unfair Pain.
      1. People hurt us because they think we deserve it.
      2. People hurt us compulsively.
      3. People hurt us with the spill-overs of their problems.
        1. Children hurt in a divorce.
        2. People caught in the cross-fire.
      4. People hurt us with their good intentions.
      5. People hurt us by their mistakes.
    3. Shallow Pain.
      1. Annoyances.
      2. Slights.
      3. Disappointments.
      4. Coming in Second.
      1. Deep Pain.
      1. Disloyalty.
      2. Betrayal.
      3. Brutality.

    2. We Hate.
      1. Passive hate.
      2. Aggressive hate.
      3. Some things that make hate hard to cure.
                    1. It is people, not merely evil, that we hate.
                    2. We most often aim our hatred at people who live within the circle of our committed love.
                    3. We hate people we blame.
                    4. Holy Hatred. "Righteous Indignation"

    3. We Heal Ourselves.
      1. "Forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well."
      2. "We cannot pry the wrongdoer loose from the wrong; we can only release the person from our memory of the wrong."


    4. We Come Together.
            What will it take to reestablish the freedom and happiness of friendship?
      1. They must truly understand the reality of what they did to hurt you.
      2. They must be truthful with the feelings you have.
      3. They must be truthful in listening to you.
      4. They ought to be truthful about your future together.


    5. Some Nice Things Forgiving is NOT.
      1. Forgiving is not forgetting.
      2. Excusing is not forgiving.
      3. Forgiving is not the same as smothering conflict.
      4. Accepting people is not forgiving them.
    1. We accept people because of the good people they are for us.
    2. We forgive people because of the bad things they did to us.
    3. We accept people:
      1. Socially
      2. Professionally
      3. Personally
      1. Forgiving is not tolerance.

    PART 2 - FORGIVING PEOPLE
    WHO ARE HARD TO FORGIVE

                "It is hard to forgive people we cannot see, or touch, or maybe even know. It is also hard to forgive people who do not care whether we forgive them or not. It is hard to forgive people because they seem too evil to be forgiven. And it may be hardest of all to forgive oursleves."

    1. Forgiving the Invisible People.
      1. The parent who died.
      2. The invisible mother who gave her child away.
      3. The invisible ghost behind the organization.
         1. "Organizations have little grace. They can knock you down, grag you acorss a bed of nails, thow your remains into the street, and, just before you hit the pavement, hand you a ten dollar plaque with your name on it to show the company's gratitude."
                    2. You end up hating an impersonal organization.
      1. People badly out of focus.
                    1. We never "get the picture" of who wronged us.

    2. Forgiving People who do not Care.
            Repenting is a four-storied mountain.
      1. The level of perception.
      2. The level of feeling.
      3. The level of confession.
      4. The level of promise.

    3. Forgiving Ourselves.
    1. Remember the four stages of forgiving others.
      1. Hurt.
      2. Hate.
      3. Heal.
      4. Come together.
    2. How do we forgive ourselves?
      1. The first thing we need is honesty.
      2. You need a clear head to make way for your forgiving heart.
      3. Self-esteem is not the same as self-forgiveness.
      4. You also need courage.
      5. You need to be concrete.
      6. You need to confirm your outrageous acts of self-forgiveness with a reckless act of love.

      4. Forgiving Monsters.
        1. "If we refuse to forgive monsters, we give them what they want. Monsters do not want to be forgiven."
        2. "The self-defeating upshot is: if we disqualify giants of evil from forgiveness, we are cruelest to their victims and we give the monsters exactly what they want."
        3. "When we declare an evil person to be beyond the pare of forgiveness - a monster is excused from judgment by the fact that he or she is beyond humanity. This is the paradox of making any human being absolutely evil."


      5. Forgiving God.
        1. I must realize that God gives me the kind of world I want to live in.
        2. I must think that God suffers with me.
        3. I believe that God forgives.


      PART 3 -
      HOW TO FORGIVE PEOPLE

      1. Slowly.

      2. With a Little Understanding.
        1. What they were dealing with at the time.
        2. This does not excuse. It may explain why.

      3. In Confusion.
        1. "Forgiving is wisdom's high art; most of us who work at it, however, are muddlers and bunglers."
        2. "To expect two people caught in mutual hate to sort out their pains is like asking a child to calculate the national debt."

      4. With Anger Left Over.
        1. Express your malice.
        2. Let God handle those you would like to manhandle.
        3. Try a prayer of peace for the person you hate.

      5. A Little at a Time.

      6. Freely, or Not at All.
              A. There are three kinds of manipulative forgivers.
                      1. Trigger-happy forgivers.
                      2. The stalking forgiver.
                      3. Entrappers.
              B. "To set anyone free, forgiving must be freely given - an act of free love, not a devious power play."

      7. With a Fundamental Feeling.



      PART 4 -
      WHY FORGIVE?


      1. Forgiving Makes Life Fairer.
        1. Forgiving opens the way to a better fairness.
        2. Forgiving is the only way to be fair to ourselves.

      2. Forgiving is a Better Risk.
        1. "The question is not whether forgiving is dangerous, but only whether it is a safer bet. Forgiving is risky, but there are ways to improve the odds."
        2. The risk is worth taking.

      3. Forgiving is Stronger.
        1. Forgiving is realism.
        2. Forgiving is confrontation.
        3. Forgiving is freedom.
        4. Forgiving is love's ultimate power.

      4. Forgiving Fits Faulty People.
              

      Return to Archive Topical Index