Grief

Return to Archive Topical Index

G R I E F

I. Understanding Grief

What is "grief"?
1. Any loss or threat of loss of relationships
2. Death, divorce, change jobs or lose job
3. Move to new location, break friendship
4. Terminal illness (yours or in family)
Five basic stages of grief
1. NOTE: This is the general order that they will occur. There are no rules. One can become "stuck" in any stage. There is no timetable that fits all people.
2. The Stages of Grief
  1. Denial "Not Me."
  2. Anger "Why me?"
  3. Barganing "Me, but ..."
  4. Acceptance "Yes, me."
The Bible on Grief
                1. Is. 53:3-4
                2. Job 2:13
                3. Job 6:1-3
                4. Gen. 45:5
                5. John 11:35
                6. Mark 3:5

        D. Comforting those in Grief
                1. Job 2:11
                2. I Thess. 4:13-18

        E. Sources of comfort
                1. Scriptures                Rom. 15:4
                2. Holy Spirit                Acts 9:31
                3. God                        II Cor. 1:4
                4. Love                        Phil. 2:1
                5. Paradise                Luke 16:25

        F. "Parakaleo" - "A calling to one's side." Vine
                1. II Cor. 1:3-4                2. II Cor. 2:7
                3. II Cor. 7:6                4. Eph. 6:22
                5. I Thess. 2:11                6. II Thess. 4:13-18
                7. I Thess. 5:11                8. John 14:16-18

II. How to help a friend in grief

Talk about the grief.
1. Don't ignore it as if it did not exist.
2. You open up the subject.
3. Don't change the subject.
Call it what it is.
1. Cancer is cancer. Death is death.
2. Call a spade a shovel."
3. Jesus, John 11:14
4. Euphanisms should not be used to avoid the real issue and pain.
Be there.
1. Presence is important - not what is said.
2. Moral support is vital.
1. Find a need and fill it.
2. Visit" them in their affliction.
3. James 1:27 - "visit" = Look to their needs
Read the Bible to them.
1. Some suggested passages:
2. Ps. 23, Rom. 8:35-39, John 11:19-27, John 11:28-36, John 14:1-6, II Cor. 1:3-4, II Cor. 4:14-18, II Cor. 5:1-9, I Cor. 15:51-58
Pray.
1. Pray in their presence.
2. Pray prayers of thanksgiving. Start every sentence in your prayer with, "Thank you, Lord, for ..."
3. Tell them you are praying for them.
Provide them with materials.
1. Good Grief, Granger Westberg
2. Grief Recovery, Larry Yeagley
3. The Gift of Life, Randy Becton
4. When Life Tumbles In, Batsell Barrett Baxter
5. Lord, Help Me When I'm Hurting, Harold Hazelip
6. Many others are available.
Tell them that you care.
1. Don't assume that they can figure it out.
2. Tell them in simple words.
3. Live by those words.
NEVER take away their hope.

III. How to Handle Grief Yourself

Ask friends for help.
1. True friends want to help.
2. They need to know your needs.
Be alone when you need to.
1. It is OK to be alone.
2. Visit the grave.
3. Sit with your memories.
4. WARNING: Don't shut yourself away from others.
Be with friends part of the time.
1. It is OK to laugh.
2. Be with people and enjoy their company.
Talk about what hurts.
1. Tell them where it hurts.
2. Tell them how it hurts.
3. Don't expect them to remove the hurt.
Show your grief in your own way.
1. Some expect you to cry and worry if you don't.
2. Some worry if you cry.
3. "Do it your way."
Use your experience to help others.
1. Do for others what helped you.
2. Advise others what NOT to do.
Never forget your spiritual resources.
1. Prayer
2. Songs of Praise
3. Bible reading
4. Holy Spirit
5. Love
6. Hope
Look for a place to serve
1. The "void" must be filled with something.
2. Fill it with depression or service?
Make SLOW and THOUGHTFUL decisions.
1. You will regret it later.
2. Make sure that you are thinking straight before making nay major purchase or sale of property.
Put your friends at ease.
1. If you do not want pity, don't ask for it.
2. Express you hope and faith.

SOME PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS

Make funeral arrangements in advance.
1. With the funeral home
2. With some in the family
3. In writing
Include:
1. Type of service
2. Songs desired
3. Who to conduct
4. Information about burial
Write a will.
1. Who gets what has broken many families apart.
2. Appoint an administrator.
3. Put all policies, account numbers, etc. in one place.
Realize that grief is normal.
1. Learn the stages of grief.
2. Work through the grief.
Accept death as a part of life. For a seed to grow it must die.
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."
1. Reach forth unto the things which are before." Phil. 3:13
2. Pursue worthwhile tasks.
3. Get busy, get involved with others.
Four Important Steps
1. Think. It is OK to remember and think. Thinking helps to accept the reality of the loss. Some will advise you, "Just put it out of your mind." This is bad advice.
2. Write. Write your feelings down on paper. Keep a journal of your experiences. Express your pain, anger, hurt, loneliness and frustration. Be very open. When you read it at a later time you will see the progress you are making.
3. Talk. Talk ONLY to those willing to listen. When one says, "Let's not talk about that", most of the time they are trying to protect themselves from dealing with their pain. Begin at the present loss and work your way back to when you first met them.
4. Weep. God made us with the ability to weep. It is OK to cry. "Jesus wept."
Return to Archive Topical Index